The audition: A reflection
Change
Spoken rendition of “The audition”.
Setting
I wrote the bones of The audition while sitting in a hallway at my child’s school of art, watching the 12-year-old wait for an hour prior to an audition callback for a production they really wanted to be cast in. For years this kid had been investing in their voice by singing constantly, diving into all types of music, effortlessly memorizing words and letting the emotion of music permeate every part of their life. By this age their voice truly was an instrument that was beautiful to more than just their parents. However, this production was a stretch, requiring like a typical musical does, dancing and acting ability that they were relatively new to. The cast was small, especially compared to the number auditioning, many of whom were accomplished generalists in this trifecta. My child was certainly steeped in nerves, trying to determine how to show up in that room in a way that was honest but of course showcased their talent along with their willingness to grow and their ability to stretch themselves and change.
Theme
We often see ourselves as a fixed individual and forget that change is inevitable in every aspect of a life. I am an expert at acting as if somehow, I will be the exception to the rule and maintain some sort of control to be able to prevent change. It is natural to grasp the good in our life with an iron fist, convinced we cannot do without. We also naturally push away the circumstances that we label as difficult, certain that unless we act a pain will stay with us forever. There is truth in our ability to act and influence our lives, but it seems we typically overestimate our ability to control the situations we find ourselves in and often the outcome, even heaping an excess amount of praise on ourselves for the good we have, but somewhat inconsistently blaming external circumstances for the state of our mind during difficult times.
How do you handle watching something you love grow, leave or change? When I look at one of my children, that experience is often met with a blend of pride and happiness as they step into their own life, and simultaneously with pain and sadness as I think to a time that their path will take them away from their home and my arms. If a friend, the challenge is to celebrate who they are becoming and gracefully mourn pieces of our relationship that no longer exist between us. If a partner, I have found it feels as if we are separating, then committing to an entirely new person. It is unsettling, exciting, and unnerving. Name the emotion and you can probably find it somewhere in you when facing these moments.
What is exhibited in this poem is my take on a healthy parent-child relationship. The parent is in a transitional stage from being the safe haven to watching the adolescent begin to build a safe haven in their internal self. The child is transitioning from early years of emotional reaction to feeling their emotion and learning what to do with it. The parent is left feeling the tension of offering some distance to allow the child to discover this and simultaneously wanting to save the child from themself and hoping this kid feels like they have a place to return to. Finally, I was working towards a picture of the hope that can be found in change, a felt connection that we can carry with us for people and places we love even when change occurred that created some level of separation.
Remember that poetry is alive and as the reader, it may choose to speak something different to you. Let what you feel while reading or listening distill into the area of your life where you have seen change and you need a story to surround it, or into the change you are walking through today.
So, where do you find yourself in this poem? Are you the one wandering or watching someone you love wander? Do you have a choice in front of you that is certain to disrupt what is stable today? Are you gripping something or someone too tightly, or holding that gift in a hug with arms only tight enough to feel a heartbeat but loose enough for what may come the next day?
May you live with ease among all change.
Brian
If you missed the “A Poem” post of The audition, you can view it here!
Brian, so well done!
When you previously posted the poem, I was reminded of the explorations of Barry Lopez. Now, reading your process, I see why. I have a faint memory of Barry describing a painting of a figure on a horse, a man looking back with longing but knowing he had to leave on his mission. I imagine Barry feeling that way when he would leave his family for extended explorations.
I appreciate your process and your poetry. What a solid presentation format for your readers.
Thank you.🌱